Smackdown episode 201

The One That ECW Brings War to Smackdown

• Outside the Tampax Thunderdome, the sight of tonight’s show, ARMANDO ALEJANDRO ESTRADA leads his ECW Extremists through the parking lot, ready to invade Smackdown, with war on their mind. Their righteous warpath is interrupted by the appearance of a welcoming VICKIE GUERRERO, Smackdown’s General Manager.

Vickie disarms the Extremists with an unexpectedly warm reception, greeting the superstars as though they are honored guests. She tells the confused warriors how pleased she is to see them, as though she had banked on their arrival all along, and informs them she has arranged them a comfortable dressing room filled with lavish amenities. The General Manager further surprises the Extremists by thanking them for attending. She is confident they will enjoy themselves and will be impressed with the level of competition their future home offers; that future home being this, Friday Night Smackdown.

• Smackdown Opening Video

• MATCH ONE: FESTUS & JESSE defeat DEUCE & DOMINO, as much of the crowd enjoys biscuits and gravy that Jesse releases from the rafters, in sync with the lyrics of their theme song.

• Commercial for the Bill of Rights – Buy whatever is left of your rights, while supplies last!

• MVP makes his way to the ring, demanding retribution for the attack he suffered at No Mercy when ECW Extremists began the war and attacked MVP and his tag partner, Matt Hardy. MVP shows clips of the assault, before MATT HARDY joins his partner in the ring and, likewise, demands retribution.

ECW GM ARMANDO ALEJANDRO ESTRADA marches to the ring defiantly, and says he is more than pleased to oblige their request. “ECW did not come here to drink lemonade and eat cookies as Vickie Guerrero’s special guests tonight,” he says, as the camera cuts to Vickie Guerrero patting STEVIE RICHARDS on the back as he stuffs his face with lemonade and cookies. “We came here fight,” Estrada says, “and since you are the first to ask, you shall be the first to receive. Tonight, Smackdown’s most dysfunctional tag team, MVP and Matt Hardy, will be taken to the extreme!”

VICKIE GUERRERO makes her way to the ring, smiling brilliantly and clapping her hands as though she were a member of the Red Sox Nation. “This is great!” she tells Estrada, “I am so happy to hear that what is currently your ECW stars want to compete! I cannot think of a better way to acclimate my Smackdown audience to these Extremists who will soon find permanent residence here on The CW’s Friday Night Smackdown! Tonight,” she says, eyes as wide as a child’s on Christmas morning (if, that is, said child is a Christian or American), “ECW and Smackdown will face one another in the spirit of competition, introducing these extremists to their new home, which, by the way, is the home of the Cruiserweight Division!”

Estrada glares at Guerrero, fully aware of her intentions to fold many ECW stars into the anemic Cruiserweight Division.

“I have an idea to make all of you happy,” she says, gesturing to Estrada, Hardy and MVP. “Since Mister Estrada erroneously referred to you”—points at MVP and Hardy—“as a dysfunctional team—you, our tag team champions, no less—tonight you will face a tandem of ECW stars sure to comprise the most dysfunctional team in any contest this evening, when MVP and Matt Hardy square off in tag action against BALLS MAHONEY and THE MIZ!”

The crowd cheers, Estrada sneers, and MVP and Hardy appear pleased to have any ECW representatives in a match tonight.

“…and KELLY KELLY, of course,” Guerrero adds with a devious smirk.

MVP and Matt Hardy begin to trade jabs at which of them will better destroy their ECW opponents and score the win tonight.

• Commercial for PetSmart airs, ending with Michael Vick drawn and quartered. This, unsurprisingly, does not make Ellen DeGeneres cry.

• FINLAY makes his way to the ring.

“I’m not a man of fancy means, pretty looks or prettier words. As my introduction music states, emphatically, I LIKE TO FIGHT! So any ECW Extremist who wants a fight, drag your sorry arse out here and face me in a fight…EXTREME RULES!”

MATCH TWO: FINLAY defeats TOMMY DREAMER in an Extreme Rules Match

• In the ECW Welcoming Room, Vickie Guerrero continues to woo ECW superstars, including ELIJAH BURKE, whom she believes will be instrumental in revitalizing the Cruiserweight Division. If he feels like getting a taste of wrestling on the big stage, she offers, he may select any Smackdown superstar for a match tonight and can thusly show the world the future of wrestling, Elijah Burke.

JASON interrupts Guerrero, ecstatic. “I GOT IT!” He declares! “VICKIE, I GOT THE CALL! I KNOW HOW TO—”

“Jason, one moment,” Vickie says, her widening to inform Jason to keep the cat in the bag. “Elijah, think about it and let me know who you want to face and introduce yourself to the Smackdown audience with tonight, okay?”

Vickie escorts Jason into the hallway.

“I am sorry,” she says, with a gentle tone that belies the firm, disapproving grip her hand has on Jason’s elbow. “I wanted you to have my direct attention. What were you about to tell me?”

“I got the call,” Jason says, bouncing with excitement. “I know how to force Estrada to sign control of ECW over to you! By the end of tonight, ECW will be yours!”

• In a separate, secluded locker room, THE MIZ and BALLS MAHONEY prepare for their match.

“Here I am, back on Smackdown,” Miz tells Balls, “and I am not going to have you screw things up for me. This is my chance to shine again on the show I debuted with, a show with a bigger budget and bigger audience than ECW, okay? Tonight is my night to shine, Balls, and as much as I hate you, there is no way I will let my hatred for you supersede my chance to be in the spotlight on the big show once more. Tonight, The Miz is going to make an impact by defeating the WWE Tag Team Champions! And, Balls, to make sure this happens, that I get my due, if you can stay out of my way and make sure this victory happens, well, Balls, you get to have ONE KISS with Kelly Kelly!

Balls looks at Kelly Kelly, excitedly imagining their first kiss, and faints.

“Wow,” Miz says, looking at his fallen enemy and one-time-only tag partner, “you really can make Balls drop on a guy.”

• Commercial for Battlestar Galactica airs. It’s just a damn good show.

• MATCH THREE: WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION BATISTA defeats MARK HENRY. The announcers, throughout the contest, wonder who the champ’s next opponent will be at Cyber Sunday.

• In the back, REY MYSTERIO retrieves a bottle of water from a vending machine. He turns from the machine to find Elijah Burke standing before him.

“Just letting you know you gotta suit up tonight, coz Elijah Burke is gonna get famous by punking out former Cruiserweight and World Champion Rey Mysterio in record time, son.”

• Commercial for Jake Lloyd’s career. Have you seen it?

• JASON makes his way to the ring.

“Well, once again, I’ve done it. I, Jason, have figured out a way to destroy yet another multi-billion enterprise, just like I did with the XFL and those bastards at Alamo Car Rental. I know the key to destroying ECW and I couldn’t be happier. Though I cannot agree with her on this, instead of simply forcing Armananadoo Alajalapeno Eric Estrada to give up ECW, Vickie Guerrero has instructed me to make him an, in my opinion, overly fair cash offer and allow him to walk away with his dignity intact.”

Estrada makes his way to the ring for the second time tonight. Before he can engage in an obligatory verbal dance, Jason cuts him off.

“Estrada, let’s not do this. Let’s not have you threaten me, thinking you’re invincible until I drop the bomb you didn’t think anyone could ever find out, okay? I know, Estrada. I know about everything. I know… I know…” Jason leans in and whispers in Estrada’s ear. Crestfallen, Estrada looks as pale as death.

“Aren’t you glad we have this in the open, between you and me, now? Estrada, there is no way around the fact that this information will take ECW away from you. It will be homeless and ripe for Vickie to absorb. And that will happen. It is inevitable. What you can do, however, is save yourself the embarrassment of this information ever seeing the light of day, take her cash, and walk away.” Estrada looks angered. “Now, just calm down. It is the truth and there is nothing you can do about it. ECW will be taken away from you, and Vickie will absorb it. She’s publicly lobbied for the organization, soon to be without a figurehead, and she’s a woman with convincing means. Take the cash and go home.”

The emphasis of those final words sends Estrada over the edge. But Jason repeats, “There’s nothing you can do. The wheels are in motion.” Estrada’s face melts and he seems close to shaking Jason’s hand to seal the deal, when ECW CHAMPION CM PUNK dashes to the ring.

Punk pushes Jason away and addresses Estrada, questioning what could be so bad that he would selfishly gamble away ECW because of his own demons? He goes on to say that ECW has survived worse, it has cheated death on more than one occasion, and it will survive this. Punk commands Estrada that, no matter what Jason has on him, to let ECW fight for itself.

Jason, a master manipulator, takes Punk’s last declaration and runs with it.

“OH,” Jason says, “Well in that case, as Vickie Guerrero’s number one representative, allow me to accept your offer to allow ECW to fight for its survival. At Cyber Sunday, ECW is on the line when CM Punk defends ECW against Guerrero’s interests, in the physical form of me, Jason. If ECW’s representative wins, I will bury this blackmail on your General Manager. But when I win, when Vickie Guerrero’s representative wins, Estrada here has a decision to make: Reveal his secret and lose ECW, or simply hand over ECW and walk away without having to reveal what has put him and, indeed, all of ECW in this predicament. Good idea,” he tells Punk, disallowing Punk time to figure out how quickly played the situation to his advantage. “I’ll see you at Cyber Sunday, champ.”

Punk tries to back out, saying he did not intend this, but Estrada accepts the offer. Estrada says both Punk and Jason are right. This is the only way to keep ECW with a figurehead, and the only way it can survive, because with a GM to fight for their interests, Vickie will sweep ECW up since the company will have no one to fight for it, no one to renew their TV deal with Sci Fi, and no one to protect it from the big money of Smackdown.

Jason, overly pleased with his work, tries to blindside Punk, but eats a Go To Sleep for his effort.

• Commercial for Sri Lanka. No one ever thinks to vacation there. At least not for long.

• MATCH FOUR: KANE defeats MATT STRIKER by DQ, when BIG DADDY V interferes.

• In the ECW Welcoming Room, Estrada addresses his troops, where everyone is nervous about the way by which he wagered their livelihoods, because of a personal secret.

Estrada says the secret, if it came out, would seriously affect his life and leave them without a General Manager, and they would have no one to fight for their external affairs and would be vulnerable to a takeover from anyone. This way, they get to fight, and doing their fighting is their finest, their Champion, CM Punk. Jason’s cockiness and arrogance make him lazy, Estrada says, but Punk is fighting for something. Punk is fighting for E-C-W.

• Commercial for Pringles. Pringles, a damn fine chip.

• Chris Master’s face frames the screen in a close-up, as he reads aloud from Psychology For Dummies.

“See it says here,” Masters says, pointing to the book before his face. “Okay…” he continues, focusing on the book and scanning the page, looking for the relevant passage. “Aha! Okay! Here it is…blablabla, ‘A serial need to dominate and strike fear in another’s heart, most likely deriving from insecurity of one’s own acceptance of his or her physical features’….yadda yadda yadda….’picked on as a kid’….possibly molested by uncl…’ Anyways, well, never mind that, I’m sure it doesn’t apply here, BUT” he says, the camera pulling back to reveal his guest, “that still begs the questions, Boogeyman, why the need to ‘getcha?’”

Boogeyman looks perplexed, as if shown a hidden window into his soul.

“What’s a matter, Boog?” Masters asks, as Boogey’s lips begin to quiver. “Didn’t Boogeymomma love you enough as a boogeyboy?”

Boogey doubles over and sobs, as Masters increasing the intensity of his questioning. He readjusts his half-moon glasses and scoots to the edge of his seat, as though an overzealous mirror-salesman ready to show his client their image.

“Dig deep,” Masters says, moistening his lips. “Don’t be afraid, Boogey. I’m here for you. I’m here to listen.”

Boogey begins to mumble. “Grgha buurgoogagongala riversmoshsdut durtadurt,” he cries unintelligibly, shoveling fistfuls of worms into his mouth as he cries, revealing whatever it may be about his mother and upbringing. “Gheengathwup mumpohrewstch.”

“I see,” Masters says, chewing the end of his glasses. “Right….go on…I see,” he adds, nodding as though he understands his client. “And how did that make you feel?” He offers Boogey a napkin.

Boogeyman accepts the napkin and blows his nose. As he withdraws the napkin from his face, we see a worm hanging from his left nostril. “Well,” he sniffles, “I feel...I feel—” he says before swinging his clock and cracking it onto Masters’s head. “I feel like I’m the Boogeyman…from ECW!...and I GOTCHOO!”

• MATCH FIVE: ELIJAH BURKE takes a count out loss when he walks out on his match with REY MYSTERIO, when Mysterio countered much of Burke’s offense, frustrating the Extremist.

• In the back, Vickie Guerrero and AA Estrada trade barbs over the other’s respective, dysfunctional tag team in the main event. Estrada is convinced Balls determination to get a kiss from Kelly Kelly and Miz’s desire to beat two of Smackdown’s finest will give his team the win, while Guerrero is confident her champions, though not the best of friends, will come together to avenge their assault from No Mercy.

• Commercial for Lanny Poffo. Will no one hire this guy?

• MATCH SIX: ECW’s MIZ & BALLS MAHONEY defeat SMACKDOWN’s WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS MATT HARDY & MVP, when MVP gets distracted by Kelly Kelly, allowing Balls the opportunity to use—admittedly heelish move, but one that fits in with his Extreme nature—a chair on Matt Hardy, in order to provide The Miz an easy cover for the win.

After the match, Balls wants his kiss and closes his eyes, awaiting Kelly Kelly’s kiss, but all he tastes is the chair he used on Matt Hardy, as The Miz smashes his rival in the face with the steel instrument.