ECW episode 202

The One Where Jason Makes ECW More Entertaining than It’s Been Since the Original One Night Stand PPV

It is a time of turmoil for Extreme Championship Wrestling as a disgruntled employee, Jason, has aligned with a rival brand to eradicate the revived entity better known to wrestling fans as ECW. Through the financial support of Smackdown’s General Manager Vickie Guerrero, Jason found information so damning against ECW’s General Manager Armando Alejandro Estrada, that Estrada has wagered ECW’s fate on a single match: A match that pits ECW’s Champion CM Punk against Jason at the forthcoming Pay Per View Cyber Sunday. Should CM Punk prevail, Jason will forever bury the secret he harbors against Estrada; however, should Jason prevail, ECW will become the property of Vickie Guerrero, who seeks to incorporate it into her brand’s roster, bolstering her signature Cruiserweight division—and, for Jason, it is an opportunity to destroy a brand he has loathed since returning to the WWE under the ECW umbrella.

• The episode begins not with the normal video introduction, but with ECW GM ESTRADA in the ring, looking determined and angry.

“I am determined and angry,” the GM says. “I stand in this ring to tell you, the ECW fans, that I will not allow ECW to die on my watch. Measures are being taken to defend this brand and its legacy, and you will see this dedication to ECW’s preservation in matches tonight that seek to weaken Smackdown’s roster.” He paused for applause and waited to add more. “And there’s more,” he said, feeding off the crowd’s energy as he marched about the ring.

“Vickie Guerrero has been barred from tonight’s event. She is no more welcome here than is Jason, but,” he said, his eyes widening as a wicked smile stretched across his face, “unlike Guerrero, Jason is under an ECW contract—a contract that is mine.” Estrada stopped his pacing, and stared angrily into the camera. “And so, for this reason, I will take the opportunity to remind Jason this is my show, my brand, and there better be no truth to the rumors that he has invited a special guest to tonight’s show”—his voice rose—“because, Jason, this is MY SHOW, MY BRAND, and only I may authorize any non-ECW contracted individuals to appear on MY SHOW! No one appears on my show without my clearance!”

This declaration incites Jason to head to the ring, looking innocent, as though ready to clear up any misconceptions.

“Mister Estrada,” Jason says, addressing Estrada with the deference a teenager might after wrecking the family car, “permit me to clear up any misconceptions. Yes, I have a guest who is here tonight, but he is an ECW alum here only in an advisory capacity to yours truly. My guest, I assure you, is not here to interfere with your *air quotes* Entertaining Show,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Look, my guest is not here to involve himself with…with…”—he fumbles his hands in a motion, as if gesturing to conjure a word to best describe how he views ECW and its television show—“THIS!” he declares, unable to think of a better descriptor.

Estrada was in no mood for Jason’s antics. “I am in no mood for Jason’s antics,” Estrada stated.

“And I am in no mood to list the reasons why I won’t be adding this tenure in ECW to my resume,” Jason countered. “This is like that first transitional job one has right out of college, like becoming a server in a high end restaurant, or becoming a lab rat for Vioxx trials—you just don’t want to advertise something like this, something that’s the equivalent of employment slumming, but”—he thrust his finger into the air—“I will enjoy adding the bullet-point to my illustrious resume that highlights how I destroyed this monstrosity of a mistake! I’ll add it right between bringing down the XFL and suggesting that Siegfried’s tiger feeder not listen to those over-tanned no talents and not feed the tigers every two hours. That seemed to work out well for everyone,” he said, getting closer to Estrada, so as to physically intimidate the GM, “as will my defeating CM Punk at Cyber Sunday!”

Jason’s over-confident and boisterous attitude provoked ECW CHAMPION CM PUNK to come to the ring and address his opponent. “Your over-confident and boisterous attitude has provoked me to come to the ring and address you, my opponent, and let you in on one little piece of information you haven’t been able to dig up,” Punk said, pushing his chest against that of Jason. “You do not have what it takes to beat me,” Punk said, his teeth clenched. “You do not have what it takes to beat ECW! I will leave Cyber Sunday and ECW’s legacy will continue, and you will leave without victory, without the ECW Title!”

Jason had a most unexpected reaction to Punk’s bold statements: He did not cringe. He did not get angry. He did not counter Punk’s assertion that he could not best the champ. No, instead, Jason laughed.

“You have got to be kidding me!” Jason said as he wiped tears wrought from laughter from his eyes. “You honestly think I care about the ECW Title? Being the ECW Champion is like being the World’s Tallest Midget or the World’s Best Whistler or the World’s Sanest Mormon—it’s only an honor for those freaks who want to dissociate themselves from laughable and mock-able associations from which they can never dissociate from!” Jason paced around Punk, who was trying to retain respectability against Jason’s verbal onslaught. “Oh, I know! Let’s talk to some former ECW Champions right now and see what they thought of being ECW Champ, what it did for their careers, shall we?”

Jason pointed to the Tron. “Let’s begin with the first ECW Champion since its revival, Rob Van Dam,” he said, pointing to a picture of RVD wearing the ECW Championship strap. “Rob! Long time fan, buddy,” Jason said, addressing the Tron picture. “Tell me, Rob, what did holding the ECW Title do for you?”

It was at this point that the picture of Rob’s face changed, with Jason’s goateed mouth infused over Rob’s own mouth, providing answers with a stoner’s reflex. “What? Wait. Huh? Oh, Jason! Buddy! I am, like, your biggest fan,” the mouth answered, shoving Doritos down its throat. “Well,” the mouth answered, tortilla flakes spilling from it, “winning the ECW Title was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I turned to a life of drugs, man. It was a downward spiral, I’m telling ya”—more Doritos shoveled in—“I just started smoking the pot, like, every ten minutes, or something, and then I got arrested and lost the title and never regained my momentum. The ECW Title Curse then led to my getting kicked in the noggin by Randy Orton, and, after that, man,”—more Doritos shoveled in—“I had to get away. So I left ECW and, in doing so, I saved my life…” He sniffed, as though mournfully reflective, and shoved more Doritos into his mouth.

“You see!” Jason shouted, “Why would I ever want the ECW Title?” Jason regarded Punk who was fuming with anger. “You look like you’re fuming with anger,” Jason said, softening his voice. “So, in fairness, let’s talk with the second ECW Champion since its revival, The Big Show!”

A picture of The Big Show—the ECW title draped across his shoulder—popped onto the Tron, also with Jason’s mouth fixed over Show’s.

“Show!” Jason said, addressing the photo. “Big time fan here! Let me ask you, Show, how did holding the ECW Title change your life?”

“It was the lowest point of my life,” the goateed mouth answered, this time in a deeper voice.

“Your life?” Jason asked. “Don’t you mean the lowest point of your career?”

“No,” the mouth answered, “my life.”

“Lower than wearing a thong and sumo wrestling some fat guy at Wrestlemania, the biggest show of the year?” Jason asked, his face melted with concern.

“Worse than handing out condoms to teenagers.”

“Dear God!” Jason gasped.

“Yeah,” the infused mouth on Show’s picture answered. “After being ECW Champion, I knew I had to get my career back on track. So I left ECW, I left WWE, and redeemed myself by losing to Terry Bolea in high school gymnasiums across Florida.” The infused mouth paused for a moment. “I can sleep now.”

Proud of himself, Jason beamed with amusement and moved onto the third ECW Champion, Bobby Lashley. A photo of Lashley appeared on screen that was also adorned with an infused, movable mouth, though this goateed mouth wore Black Face.

“Yo, Jason dog,” the mouth said. “Don’t even axe me ‘bout being ECW champion, dog. Once I got that thing, I couldn’t wait to trade up to the big leagues. Now, I’m on RAW, dog, where I’m treated with respeck.”

“What do you mean?” Jason asked.

“As ECW Champion I wrestled at Wrestlemania, but did I defend the ECW title? No. I defended something almost as fake: Donald Trump’s hair.”

CM Punk dropped the ECW title belt to the ring mat and approached Jason, who begged off the angry champion.

“Next, in this parade of ECW Champions, we come to Vince McMahon”—a picture of McMahon is displayed on the Tron, but this one without the fake mouth—“whose career took a dark turn after winning the ECW Title. He won the Championship in a three-on-one match—hardly an ideal scenario for any title of prestige—and immediately went crazy. He wore a do-rag, thought he was black, and then tried to blow himself up. Mercifully, that title”—Jason pointed at the belt at CM Punk’s feet—“left McMahon’s waist and found itself again with Bobby Lashley, who, as we know, was drafted to RAW and dropped the ECW Title quicker than Britney Spears drops her panties these days. This brings us to the next ECW title holder: John Morrison.”

On the screen is displayed a close-up of Morrison’s face, but this is not a photo; it is the real John Morrison.

“Punk,” Morrison says, “How lucky you are to not have to face the Shaman of Sexy ever again for the ECW Title. I’ve outgrown it. I elevated it to mean something when I wore it around my waist, but now, with you, it’s worthless again, and so I am on to new journeys, new victories to come, and new championships, and I will have them on my new home.” The camera pans back to reveal Vickie Guerrero at his side. “My new home on Smackdown.”

Estrada looks shocked, almost beside himself with disbelief.

“You look shocked,” Guerrero says, addressing ECW’s General Manager. “Almost beside yourself with disbelief. Not to worry, Estrada. Morrison is sitting out the remainder of his ECW contract until it, like every Extremist’s contract, becomes a Smackdown contract after Cyber Sunday. And Mister Punk, I am happy to tell you that you will have a warm-up match for Cyber Sunday on this week’s Smackdown, when you team with Tommy Dreamer against Smackdown’s Silverback Gorilla Mark Henry and…the man behind you.”

Punk turns from the Tron and is leveled by Jason’s Clothesline From Hell. Jason stands over his victim, his playful demeanor fully morphed into a sociopathic, dead-eyed stare. Though a man fond of tomfoolery, Jason remains one of the most vicious superstars of this or any year.

“You think you’ve got me, do you?” Estrada bellows at Jason, as Vickie Guerrero and John Morrison disappear from the giant screen. “Have your tag match on Smackdown, but next week, Jason, you’re gonna wish you were never born. You liked digging in my past, finding out ways to blackmail me? There’s something quite recent in my past you’ve gotta look out for, something you might have discounted. You see, Jason, you and John Morrison can play on Smackdown all you want, but that doesn’t change that, as I said earlier, you are still under ECW contract, meaning you are contracted to me, and next week you will face something from my past you will not survive. You will face a force that will damn near cripple you before Cyber Sunday, leaving CM Punk to fight the easiest match of his life…”

“What are you talking about? Your past? What? I’m gonna have to wrestle your mom?”

“No,” Estrada countered, his voice raised with measured fury. “Next week, you will face RAW’s UMAGA!!!”

• Commercial for pantaloons. Why no one wears them is beyond me.

• A replay airs of last week’s main event on Smackdown: ECW’s MIZ & BALLS MAHONEY defeated SMACKDOWN’s WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS MATT HARDY & MVP, when MVP became distracted by Kelly Kelly, allowing Balls the opportunity to use—admittedly heelish move, but one that fits in with his Extreme nature—a chair on Matt Hardy, in order to provide The Miz an easy cover for the win.

After the match, Balls wants his kiss and closes his eyes, awaiting Kelly Kelly’s kiss, but all he tastes is the chair he used on Matt Hardy, as The Miz smashes his rival in the face with the steel instrument.

MATCH ONE: ECW’s MIZ defeats SMACKDOWN’s MATT HARDY when BALLS MAHONEY inadvertently helps Miz defeat Hardy. After the match, Hardy’s tag partner MVP, who had been on commentary with Joey Styles and Tazz for the match, chastises his partner for again losing.

• A replay of Kane and Big Daddy V’s brawl from Smackdown airs, leading us to an advertisement for a Big Daddy V vs. Kane match tonight!

• Commercial for Neuticles, the phantom balls to help your neutered animal still feel like a man.

• A replay from Smackdown’s match pitting Elijah Burke against Rey Mysterio, which ended without a clear victory.

MATCH TWO: SMACKDOWN’s REY MYSTERIO & CHUCK PALUMBO defeat ECW’s ELIJAH BURKE & KEVIN THORN, when Burke walks out on partner Thorn and the match.

• Somewhere backstage, Jason looks for his guest.

• Before heading to a commercial break, we see an advertisement for this week’s Smackdown, which will feature Jason & Mark Henry vs. CM Punk & Tommy Dreamer and, just announced, Rey Mysterio-Elijah Burke II! But, up next, Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer in a preview of Friday’s tag match!

• Commercial for Coolness: You just don’t have as much of it as you think you do.

• MATCH THREE: SMACKDOWN’S MARK HENRY destroys ECW’S TOMMY DREAMER. After the match, Punk makes a save.

• Elsewhere, an announcer lady wants a word with Kane, who is no mood for an interview and throws her out of his locker room.

• “Where could he be?” Jason wonders as he wanders, looking for his guest at the concession stands.

• Commercial for Helium: The Other Fun Gas.

• Somewhere in the arena, Jason continued his search to locate his special guest, whom he found in the boiler room.

“Here you are!” Jason beamed, greeting his longtime friend, MANKIND.

As Mankind sat in a corner, caressing a large rat, he rocked to and fro with a violent lurch. It has been a long time since we viewers have set eyes on Mankind, and listening to his swine-like squeals do we realize we have not much missed this incarnation of Foley’s Three Faces.

“So, you’re Mankind again?” Jason asked, seating himself on a nearby milk crate.

“No, not at all,” Foley laughed, ripping off the mask. “I haven’t seen you since our Violators days and I thought it would be fun to take a trip down memory lane.”

Jason considered his guest for a moment, wondering the thoughts resonating in the New York Times’ Best Selling Author’s brain before deciding that he never understood Foley—never has, never would—but was happy to see his old comrade once again. “Pez?” Jason asked, reaching a Chewbacca Pez dispenser to Foley, who quite happily accepted the bland candy.

Jason began to question Foley on his quest to destroy ECW. As a man who has achieved an honorable legacy within the business, Jason wanted Foley’s advice on how best to handle his quest, and wondered how history would view him upon his accomplishment of killing a wrestling brand.

Foley explained to Jason that wrestling lives in a vacuum and its laws and its memories change in a short amount of time, but doing something great will assure one’s greatness. Foley recounts his WWE Title victory on Christmas night, Ric Flair wrestling Sting to a 45-minute draw on the Clash of Champions, Hulk Hogan slamming Andre the Giant—Great moments, Foley tells Jason, happens when he who has the temerity to do so turns the page on completed chapter, and ECW’s best chapter has long ago been written. It is time to put ECW out to pasture, Foley says.

“History will remember you well,” Foley tells Jason, “if you do the right thing at the right time. History will better remember you if you correct a mistake that is long overdue.”

“Then history will love me,” Jason says. “I will be revered as a classy, classy man,” he adds, eating another Pez candy from the dispenser’s neck.

“If you don’t believe me,” Foley says, motioning for another Pez, “ask the mad scientist himself if he thinks it’s time to kill ECW.”

Foley then asks Jason to confide what dirt he dug up on Estrada, what information could be so damning that a man would risk an entire company to keep it silenced, but Jason would not tell, saying he has made an agreement and will honor it: If Estrada’s man CM Punk defeats Jason, he will take the secret to his grave.

“I see,” Foley said, smiling. He looked upon his former teammate, marveling at how such a devious man could operate with such a skewed, yet understandable and oddly respectable set of values. True, Jason was not above blackmail or sneak attacks, but his word was his bond, and he would break it for no man.

The two reminisced about their time as members of The Violators, a group that—along with fellow members The APA—ran roughshod over WWE many years ago.

“There are guys wrestling today I am happy we didn’t have to face then,” Foley says. He cited the size and strength of Khali and Umaga as examples of men who, when he sees wrestle, make him relieved to be retired.

“Speaking of,” Jason says, about to reload his Pez dispenser with grape Pez until Foley asks for orange instead, “Any advice on my facing Umaga next week?”

Foley receives an orange Pez and stands to leave, but not before laying his hand on Jason’s shoulder. “Yeah,” Foley says, “Have a nice day!”

• Commercial for Three Prong Electrical Chord Adapters: The Whores of the Electrical World

• MATCH FOUR: KANE defeats BIG DADDY V by disqualification when Matt Striker interferes on V’s behalf, and the two beat down Smackdown’s star as the show closes.