Raw episode 201

The One Where Shawn Michaels Returns and No One Sees It Coming
(Recapped without documenting commercial breaks)

• A RAW-centric video review recap of last night’s No Mercy airs.

• VINCE MCMAHON comes to the ring and gloats—less about Randy Orton leaving No Mercy as WWE Champion, but more about HHH leaving No Mercy WITHOUT the WWE Championship. Vince decides the RAW locker-room will line up single-file and shake the new WWE Champion’s hand. This brings HHH to the ring who, like Orton at last night’s PPV, invokes his rematch clause. Vince is not keen on the idea, and, instead, signs HHH vs. Orton and Umaga tonight. And when the RAW superstars line up to shake Randy’s hand, HHH must be first in line. Oh, that Vince…what a dick. I mean, shaking his rival’s hand! SHAKING HIS RIVAL’S HAND! Why doesn’t he just feed him his Chihuahua or desecrate his father’s funeral service?!!

• MATCH ONE: MARIA, MICKIE JAMES & CANDICE MICHELLE defeat NEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION BETH PHOENIX, MELINA & JILLIAN HALL in a Six Woman Tag Team Match

• Hilarity ensues as RAW GM WILLIAM REGAL decorates his office with pictures of English Queens (Helen Mirren, Sir Elton John and George Michael). He has been tasked with keeping HORNSWAGGLE MCMAHON out of trouble, but he delegates this responsibility to THE COACH, who cannot locate the littlest McMahon.

• We will hear from the former WWE Champion, the injured John Cena live, via satellite, later tonight! Calm down, kids.

• MATCH TWO: SANTINO MARELLA weasels out of his match tonight with VAL VENIS, to further their mini-program another week, and subs in SNITSKY, who defeats the injured Venis.

• JOHN CENA, live, via satellite, has nothing new or interesting to say.

• MATCH THREE: HHH vs. UMAGA & NEW WWE CHAMPION RANDY ORTON ends in disqualification, when Umaga hits HHH with a chair. Umaga continues to punish HHH after the bell, injuring The King of King’s ribs once more.

• Referees help HHH to the back. Vince stops HHH to threaten him, nay, remind him that he must be first in line to shake Orton’s hand tonight, injury or no injury.

• MATCH FOUR: THE HIGHLANDERS defeat LONDON & KENDRICK

• SANTINO MARELLA comes to the stage and adapts Amy Winehouse’s REHAB into a ditty about The Condemned.

“THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME WATCH THE CONDEMNED BUT I SAID, NO, NO, NO!
STONE COLD HANG OUT IN BARS, I GIVE HIS MOVIE ZERO STARS!
THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME WATCH THE CONDEMNED BUT I SAID NO! NO! NO!”

• MATCH FIVE: INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION JEFF HARDY cleanly pins MR. KENNEDY

• New WWE Champion comes to the ring to await the RAW roster prostrate themselves before Orton and shake his hand. Absent is HHH, which causes Vince to send Orton to retrieve the injured HHH. He stopped on his way to the back by a returning HBK, who superkicks Orton to end the show.