ECW episode 202

The One Where Jason Makes ECW More Entertaining than It’s Been Since the Original One Night Stand PPV

It is a time of turmoil for Extreme Championship Wrestling as a disgruntled employee, Jason, has aligned with a rival brand to eradicate the revived entity better known to wrestling fans as ECW. Through the financial support of Smackdown’s General Manager Vickie Guerrero, Jason found information so damning against ECW’s General Manager Armando Alejandro Estrada, that Estrada has wagered ECW’s fate on a single match: A match that pits ECW’s Champion CM Punk against Jason at the forthcoming Pay Per View Cyber Sunday. Should CM Punk prevail, Jason will forever bury the secret he harbors against Estrada; however, should Jason prevail, ECW will become the property of Vickie Guerrero, who seeks to incorporate it into her brand’s roster, bolstering her signature Cruiserweight division—and, for Jason, it is an opportunity to destroy a brand he has loathed since returning to the WWE under the ECW umbrella.

• The episode begins not with the normal video introduction, but with ECW GM ESTRADA in the ring, looking determined and angry.

“I am determined and angry,” the GM says. “I stand in this ring to tell you, the ECW fans, that I will not allow ECW to die on my watch. Measures are being taken to defend this brand and its legacy, and you will see this dedication to ECW’s preservation in matches tonight that seek to weaken Smackdown’s roster.” He paused for applause and waited to add more. “And there’s more,” he said, feeding off the crowd’s energy as he marched about the ring.

“Vickie Guerrero has been barred from tonight’s event. She is no more welcome here than is Jason, but,” he said, his eyes widening as a wicked smile stretched across his face, “unlike Guerrero, Jason is under an ECW contract—a contract that is mine.” Estrada stopped his pacing, and stared angrily into the camera. “And so, for this reason, I will take the opportunity to remind Jason this is my show, my brand, and there better be no truth to the rumors that he has invited a special guest to tonight’s show”—his voice rose—“because, Jason, this is MY SHOW, MY BRAND, and only I may authorize any non-ECW contracted individuals to appear on MY SHOW! No one appears on my show without my clearance!”

This declaration incites Jason to head to the ring, looking innocent, as though ready to clear up any misconceptions.

“Mister Estrada,” Jason says, addressing Estrada with the deference a teenager might after wrecking the family car, “permit me to clear up any misconceptions. Yes, I have a guest who is here tonight, but he is an ECW alum here only in an advisory capacity to yours truly. My guest, I assure you, is not here to interfere with your *air quotes* Entertaining Show,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Look, my guest is not here to involve himself with…with…”—he fumbles his hands in a motion, as if gesturing to conjure a word to best describe how he views ECW and its television show—“THIS!” he declares, unable to think of a better descriptor.

Estrada was in no mood for Jason’s antics. “I am in no mood for Jason’s antics,” Estrada stated.

“And I am in no mood to list the reasons why I won’t be adding this tenure in ECW to my resume,” Jason countered. “This is like that first transitional job one has right out of college, like becoming a server in a high end restaurant, or becoming a lab rat for Vioxx trials—you just don’t want to advertise something like this, something that’s the equivalent of employment slumming, but”—he thrust his finger into the air—“I will enjoy adding the bullet-point to my illustrious resume that highlights how I destroyed this monstrosity of a mistake! I’ll add it right between bringing down the XFL and suggesting that Siegfried’s tiger feeder not listen to those over-tanned no talents and not feed the tigers every two hours. That seemed to work out well for everyone,” he said, getting closer to Estrada, so as to physically intimidate the GM, “as will my defeating CM Punk at Cyber Sunday!”

Jason’s over-confident and boisterous attitude provoked ECW CHAMPION CM PUNK to come to the ring and address his opponent. “Your over-confident and boisterous attitude has provoked me to come to the ring and address you, my opponent, and let you in on one little piece of information you haven’t been able to dig up,” Punk said, pushing his chest against that of Jason. “You do not have what it takes to beat me,” Punk said, his teeth clenched. “You do not have what it takes to beat ECW! I will leave Cyber Sunday and ECW’s legacy will continue, and you will leave without victory, without the ECW Title!”

Jason had a most unexpected reaction to Punk’s bold statements: He did not cringe. He did not get angry. He did not counter Punk’s assertion that he could not best the champ. No, instead, Jason laughed.

“You have got to be kidding me!” Jason said as he wiped tears wrought from laughter from his eyes. “You honestly think I care about the ECW Title? Being the ECW Champion is like being the World’s Tallest Midget or the World’s Best Whistler or the World’s Sanest Mormon—it’s only an honor for those freaks who want to dissociate themselves from laughable and mock-able associations from which they can never dissociate from!” Jason paced around Punk, who was trying to retain respectability against Jason’s verbal onslaught. “Oh, I know! Let’s talk to some former ECW Champions right now and see what they thought of being ECW Champ, what it did for their careers, shall we?”

Jason pointed to the Tron. “Let’s begin with the first ECW Champion since its revival, Rob Van Dam,” he said, pointing to a picture of RVD wearing the ECW Championship strap. “Rob! Long time fan, buddy,” Jason said, addressing the Tron picture. “Tell me, Rob, what did holding the ECW Title do for you?”

It was at this point that the picture of Rob’s face changed, with Jason’s goateed mouth infused over Rob’s own mouth, providing answers with a stoner’s reflex. “What? Wait. Huh? Oh, Jason! Buddy! I am, like, your biggest fan,” the mouth answered, shoving Doritos down its throat. “Well,” the mouth answered, tortilla flakes spilling from it, “winning the ECW Title was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I turned to a life of drugs, man. It was a downward spiral, I’m telling ya”—more Doritos shoveled in—“I just started smoking the pot, like, every ten minutes, or something, and then I got arrested and lost the title and never regained my momentum. The ECW Title Curse then led to my getting kicked in the noggin by Randy Orton, and, after that, man,”—more Doritos shoveled in—“I had to get away. So I left ECW and, in doing so, I saved my life…” He sniffed, as though mournfully reflective, and shoved more Doritos into his mouth.

“You see!” Jason shouted, “Why would I ever want the ECW Title?” Jason regarded Punk who was fuming with anger. “You look like you’re fuming with anger,” Jason said, softening his voice. “So, in fairness, let’s talk with the second ECW Champion since its revival, The Big Show!”

A picture of The Big Show—the ECW title draped across his shoulder—popped onto the Tron, also with Jason’s mouth fixed over Show’s.

“Show!” Jason said, addressing the photo. “Big time fan here! Let me ask you, Show, how did holding the ECW Title change your life?”

“It was the lowest point of my life,” the goateed mouth answered, this time in a deeper voice.

“Your life?” Jason asked. “Don’t you mean the lowest point of your career?”

“No,” the mouth answered, “my life.”

“Lower than wearing a thong and sumo wrestling some fat guy at Wrestlemania, the biggest show of the year?” Jason asked, his face melted with concern.

“Worse than handing out condoms to teenagers.”

“Dear God!” Jason gasped.

“Yeah,” the infused mouth on Show’s picture answered. “After being ECW Champion, I knew I had to get my career back on track. So I left ECW, I left WWE, and redeemed myself by losing to Terry Bolea in high school gymnasiums across Florida.” The infused mouth paused for a moment. “I can sleep now.”

Proud of himself, Jason beamed with amusement and moved onto the third ECW Champion, Bobby Lashley. A photo of Lashley appeared on screen that was also adorned with an infused, movable mouth, though this goateed mouth wore Black Face.

“Yo, Jason dog,” the mouth said. “Don’t even axe me ‘bout being ECW champion, dog. Once I got that thing, I couldn’t wait to trade up to the big leagues. Now, I’m on RAW, dog, where I’m treated with respeck.”

“What do you mean?” Jason asked.

“As ECW Champion I wrestled at Wrestlemania, but did I defend the ECW title? No. I defended something almost as fake: Donald Trump’s hair.”

CM Punk dropped the ECW title belt to the ring mat and approached Jason, who begged off the angry champion.

“Next, in this parade of ECW Champions, we come to Vince McMahon”—a picture of McMahon is displayed on the Tron, but this one without the fake mouth—“whose career took a dark turn after winning the ECW Title. He won the Championship in a three-on-one match—hardly an ideal scenario for any title of prestige—and immediately went crazy. He wore a do-rag, thought he was black, and then tried to blow himself up. Mercifully, that title”—Jason pointed at the belt at CM Punk’s feet—“left McMahon’s waist and found itself again with Bobby Lashley, who, as we know, was drafted to RAW and dropped the ECW Title quicker than Britney Spears drops her panties these days. This brings us to the next ECW title holder: John Morrison.”

On the screen is displayed a close-up of Morrison’s face, but this is not a photo; it is the real John Morrison.

“Punk,” Morrison says, “How lucky you are to not have to face the Shaman of Sexy ever again for the ECW Title. I’ve outgrown it. I elevated it to mean something when I wore it around my waist, but now, with you, it’s worthless again, and so I am on to new journeys, new victories to come, and new championships, and I will have them on my new home.” The camera pans back to reveal Vickie Guerrero at his side. “My new home on Smackdown.”

Estrada looks shocked, almost beside himself with disbelief.

“You look shocked,” Guerrero says, addressing ECW’s General Manager. “Almost beside yourself with disbelief. Not to worry, Estrada. Morrison is sitting out the remainder of his ECW contract until it, like every Extremist’s contract, becomes a Smackdown contract after Cyber Sunday. And Mister Punk, I am happy to tell you that you will have a warm-up match for Cyber Sunday on this week’s Smackdown, when you team with Tommy Dreamer against Smackdown’s Silverback Gorilla Mark Henry and…the man behind you.”

Punk turns from the Tron and is leveled by Jason’s Clothesline From Hell. Jason stands over his victim, his playful demeanor fully morphed into a sociopathic, dead-eyed stare. Though a man fond of tomfoolery, Jason remains one of the most vicious superstars of this or any year.

“You think you’ve got me, do you?” Estrada bellows at Jason, as Vickie Guerrero and John Morrison disappear from the giant screen. “Have your tag match on Smackdown, but next week, Jason, you’re gonna wish you were never born. You liked digging in my past, finding out ways to blackmail me? There’s something quite recent in my past you’ve gotta look out for, something you might have discounted. You see, Jason, you and John Morrison can play on Smackdown all you want, but that doesn’t change that, as I said earlier, you are still under ECW contract, meaning you are contracted to me, and next week you will face something from my past you will not survive. You will face a force that will damn near cripple you before Cyber Sunday, leaving CM Punk to fight the easiest match of his life…”

“What are you talking about? Your past? What? I’m gonna have to wrestle your mom?”

“No,” Estrada countered, his voice raised with measured fury. “Next week, you will face RAW’s UMAGA!!!”

• Commercial for pantaloons. Why no one wears them is beyond me.

• A replay airs of last week’s main event on Smackdown: ECW’s MIZ & BALLS MAHONEY defeated SMACKDOWN’s WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS MATT HARDY & MVP, when MVP became distracted by Kelly Kelly, allowing Balls the opportunity to use—admittedly heelish move, but one that fits in with his Extreme nature—a chair on Matt Hardy, in order to provide The Miz an easy cover for the win.

After the match, Balls wants his kiss and closes his eyes, awaiting Kelly Kelly’s kiss, but all he tastes is the chair he used on Matt Hardy, as The Miz smashes his rival in the face with the steel instrument.

MATCH ONE: ECW’s MIZ defeats SMACKDOWN’s MATT HARDY when BALLS MAHONEY inadvertently helps Miz defeat Hardy. After the match, Hardy’s tag partner MVP, who had been on commentary with Joey Styles and Tazz for the match, chastises his partner for again losing.

• A replay of Kane and Big Daddy V’s brawl from Smackdown airs, leading us to an advertisement for a Big Daddy V vs. Kane match tonight!

• Commercial for Neuticles, the phantom balls to help your neutered animal still feel like a man.

• A replay from Smackdown’s match pitting Elijah Burke against Rey Mysterio, which ended without a clear victory.

MATCH TWO: SMACKDOWN’s REY MYSTERIO & CHUCK PALUMBO defeat ECW’s ELIJAH BURKE & KEVIN THORN, when Burke walks out on partner Thorn and the match.

• Somewhere backstage, Jason looks for his guest.

• Before heading to a commercial break, we see an advertisement for this week’s Smackdown, which will feature Jason & Mark Henry vs. CM Punk & Tommy Dreamer and, just announced, Rey Mysterio-Elijah Burke II! But, up next, Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer in a preview of Friday’s tag match!

• Commercial for Coolness: You just don’t have as much of it as you think you do.

• MATCH THREE: SMACKDOWN’S MARK HENRY destroys ECW’S TOMMY DREAMER. After the match, Punk makes a save.

• Elsewhere, an announcer lady wants a word with Kane, who is no mood for an interview and throws her out of his locker room.

• “Where could he be?” Jason wonders as he wanders, looking for his guest at the concession stands.

• Commercial for Helium: The Other Fun Gas.

• Somewhere in the arena, Jason continued his search to locate his special guest, whom he found in the boiler room.

“Here you are!” Jason beamed, greeting his longtime friend, MANKIND.

As Mankind sat in a corner, caressing a large rat, he rocked to and fro with a violent lurch. It has been a long time since we viewers have set eyes on Mankind, and listening to his swine-like squeals do we realize we have not much missed this incarnation of Foley’s Three Faces.

“So, you’re Mankind again?” Jason asked, seating himself on a nearby milk crate.

“No, not at all,” Foley laughed, ripping off the mask. “I haven’t seen you since our Violators days and I thought it would be fun to take a trip down memory lane.”

Jason considered his guest for a moment, wondering the thoughts resonating in the New York Times’ Best Selling Author’s brain before deciding that he never understood Foley—never has, never would—but was happy to see his old comrade once again. “Pez?” Jason asked, reaching a Chewbacca Pez dispenser to Foley, who quite happily accepted the bland candy.

Jason began to question Foley on his quest to destroy ECW. As a man who has achieved an honorable legacy within the business, Jason wanted Foley’s advice on how best to handle his quest, and wondered how history would view him upon his accomplishment of killing a wrestling brand.

Foley explained to Jason that wrestling lives in a vacuum and its laws and its memories change in a short amount of time, but doing something great will assure one’s greatness. Foley recounts his WWE Title victory on Christmas night, Ric Flair wrestling Sting to a 45-minute draw on the Clash of Champions, Hulk Hogan slamming Andre the Giant—Great moments, Foley tells Jason, happens when he who has the temerity to do so turns the page on completed chapter, and ECW’s best chapter has long ago been written. It is time to put ECW out to pasture, Foley says.

“History will remember you well,” Foley tells Jason, “if you do the right thing at the right time. History will better remember you if you correct a mistake that is long overdue.”

“Then history will love me,” Jason says. “I will be revered as a classy, classy man,” he adds, eating another Pez candy from the dispenser’s neck.

“If you don’t believe me,” Foley says, motioning for another Pez, “ask the mad scientist himself if he thinks it’s time to kill ECW.”

Foley then asks Jason to confide what dirt he dug up on Estrada, what information could be so damning that a man would risk an entire company to keep it silenced, but Jason would not tell, saying he has made an agreement and will honor it: If Estrada’s man CM Punk defeats Jason, he will take the secret to his grave.

“I see,” Foley said, smiling. He looked upon his former teammate, marveling at how such a devious man could operate with such a skewed, yet understandable and oddly respectable set of values. True, Jason was not above blackmail or sneak attacks, but his word was his bond, and he would break it for no man.

The two reminisced about their time as members of The Violators, a group that—along with fellow members The APA—ran roughshod over WWE many years ago.

“There are guys wrestling today I am happy we didn’t have to face then,” Foley says. He cited the size and strength of Khali and Umaga as examples of men who, when he sees wrestle, make him relieved to be retired.

“Speaking of,” Jason says, about to reload his Pez dispenser with grape Pez until Foley asks for orange instead, “Any advice on my facing Umaga next week?”

Foley receives an orange Pez and stands to leave, but not before laying his hand on Jason’s shoulder. “Yeah,” Foley says, “Have a nice day!”

• Commercial for Three Prong Electrical Chord Adapters: The Whores of the Electrical World

• MATCH FOUR: KANE defeats BIG DADDY V by disqualification when Matt Striker interferes on V’s behalf, and the two beat down Smackdown’s star as the show closes.

Raw episode 202

The One Where Randy Orton, Umaga and Andy Simmonz Each Wrestle Three Times In England
(Recapped without documenting commercial breaks)

• A RAW-centric video recap of NO MERCY runs, followed by a recap of last week’s RAW, where SHAWN MICHAELS returned to confront new WWE CHAMPION RANDY ORTON.

• RAW GENERAL MANAGER WILLIAM REGAL is in his office admiring a picture of the Queen, as portrayed by Academy Award Winner Helen Mirren. Orton interrupts Regal’s daydreaming and is pissed that not only did HHH not shake his hand, but that HBK came out to attack him. Orton says since Regal is the GM and he should decide who he faces at Cyber Sunday, not the fans. Orton came ready to compete tonight and wants a tune up match. He also says that his potential opponents at Cyber Sunday: Hardy, Kennedy and HBK should have a triple threat tonight. Regal seems agreeable, and says he has an announcement to go and make.

• RAW Opening Video airs.

• Regal come to the entrance stage and address his home countrymen. The Brits are happy to see him and Regal plays the crowd a bit. He says Orton likes things in three's so tonight, instead of the champions suggestion to have his could-be opponents fight one another in a triple threat match, instead, Orton will have three singles matches against his possible Cyber Sunday opponents. First up is Jeff Hardy vs. Orton!

• MATCH ONE: JEFF HARDY, distracted by his rival MR. KENNEDY, is pinned by WWE CHAMPION RANDY ORTON in Orton’s first of three matches of the evening.

• SANTINO MARELLA makes his way to the ring with MARIA. JR is still puzzled by their relationship. Santino has the mic and says hello to London. He is happy to be back in Europe, but confesses that Maria is more beautiful than Europe. He then buries England as a dreary place, full of depressed Britons. He figures everyone is sad because they actually watched The Condemned, starring Stone Cold Steve Austin.

MATCH TWO: SANTINO MARELLA w/MARIA defeats VAL VENIS, ending their mini-program.

• COACH, CARLITO, and HORNSWOGGLE engage in backstage tomfoolery.

• Back from a commercial break, Coach vows to get that rascally Hornswoggle if it’s the last thing he does, he tells us.

• MATCH THREE: MISTER KENNEDY defeats WWE CHAMPION RANDY ORTON by disqualification when Kennedy’s rival, Jeff Hardy, returns the favor for his loss earlier in the night and attacks the Wisconsin native.

• MISTER McMAHON power walks his way to the ring. Vince says he amazes himself. He came up with Cyber Sunday, a WWE Fan's dream come true, where they—the fans—get to log onto WWE.com and determine matches, stipulations and other good things. He announces that HHH will face Umaga at Cyber Sunday. Vince says stipulation #1 will be a Street Fight. It is brutal. There will be a demonstration. Young Andy Simmonz will be the sacrificial lamb.

• MATCH FOUR: UMAGA quickly defeats ANDY SIMMONZ in a STREET FIGHT.

• Vince then says the fate that has just befallen Simmonz will happen to HHH as well should the fans vote he face Umaga in a street fight. He then says the second voting option is a First Blood stipulation, that whoever bleeds first loses. We need a demonstration, he says.

• MATCH FIVE: UMAGA makes SIMMONZ bleed, winning their second contest, a FIRST BLOOD MATCH.

• Vince says the kid is hurt and calls for medical attention. The Simmonz kid looks messed up, bloodied and bruised. Vince then draws our attention to a cage above the ring, and that is the third stipulation, the winner is by escape only. Vince tells Umaga to attack and he tosses Simmonz into the ring. Vince talks us through what happened to "HHH." He keeps calling Simmonz HHH. Now, time for the cage match.

• MATCH SIX: UMAGA defeats SIMMONZ in a CAGE MATCH by escaping through the cell door. During the match, Vince kept yelling "that's HHH, get him!"

• Vince declares Umaga the winner for Cyber Sunday as well.

• Hornswoggle and Coach chase one another on big wheels, bicycles, unicycles and pogo sticks.

• MATCH SEVEN: CANDICE MICHELLE defeats JILLIAN HALL by pinfall.

• Coach chases Horswoggle under the ring, and then gets a BIG RED BOX a la LOONY TUNES with the "pump handled detonator." Coach says he has had it, and pushes it and nothing happens. Coach checks under the ring, Horswoggle is out from under the ring and now into the ring, pushes the pump and we get wacky effects, smoke from under the ring and Horswoggle dances to his music. Coach comes out from under the ring and looks like Wile E. Coyote, SUPER GENIUS. This segment sponsored by ACME, blowing shit up for 78-years.

• MATCH EIGHT: CODY RHODES fails to win HARDCORE HOLLY’s respect, and their match, losing in less than four minutes to the veteran.

• MATCH NINE: HBK defeats WWE CHAMPION RANDY ORTON via disqualification when Mr. Kennedy interrupts that match, followed by Jeff Hardy, who evens the good guy/bad guy quotient. Once again, we end the show with HBK superkicking Orton out cold.

Smackdown episode 201

The One That ECW Brings War to Smackdown

• Outside the Tampax Thunderdome, the sight of tonight’s show, ARMANDO ALEJANDRO ESTRADA leads his ECW Extremists through the parking lot, ready to invade Smackdown, with war on their mind. Their righteous warpath is interrupted by the appearance of a welcoming VICKIE GUERRERO, Smackdown’s General Manager.

Vickie disarms the Extremists with an unexpectedly warm reception, greeting the superstars as though they are honored guests. She tells the confused warriors how pleased she is to see them, as though she had banked on their arrival all along, and informs them she has arranged them a comfortable dressing room filled with lavish amenities. The General Manager further surprises the Extremists by thanking them for attending. She is confident they will enjoy themselves and will be impressed with the level of competition their future home offers; that future home being this, Friday Night Smackdown.

• Smackdown Opening Video

• MATCH ONE: FESTUS & JESSE defeat DEUCE & DOMINO, as much of the crowd enjoys biscuits and gravy that Jesse releases from the rafters, in sync with the lyrics of their theme song.

• Commercial for the Bill of Rights – Buy whatever is left of your rights, while supplies last!

• MVP makes his way to the ring, demanding retribution for the attack he suffered at No Mercy when ECW Extremists began the war and attacked MVP and his tag partner, Matt Hardy. MVP shows clips of the assault, before MATT HARDY joins his partner in the ring and, likewise, demands retribution.

ECW GM ARMANDO ALEJANDRO ESTRADA marches to the ring defiantly, and says he is more than pleased to oblige their request. “ECW did not come here to drink lemonade and eat cookies as Vickie Guerrero’s special guests tonight,” he says, as the camera cuts to Vickie Guerrero patting STEVIE RICHARDS on the back as he stuffs his face with lemonade and cookies. “We came here fight,” Estrada says, “and since you are the first to ask, you shall be the first to receive. Tonight, Smackdown’s most dysfunctional tag team, MVP and Matt Hardy, will be taken to the extreme!”

VICKIE GUERRERO makes her way to the ring, smiling brilliantly and clapping her hands as though she were a member of the Red Sox Nation. “This is great!” she tells Estrada, “I am so happy to hear that what is currently your ECW stars want to compete! I cannot think of a better way to acclimate my Smackdown audience to these Extremists who will soon find permanent residence here on The CW’s Friday Night Smackdown! Tonight,” she says, eyes as wide as a child’s on Christmas morning (if, that is, said child is a Christian or American), “ECW and Smackdown will face one another in the spirit of competition, introducing these extremists to their new home, which, by the way, is the home of the Cruiserweight Division!”

Estrada glares at Guerrero, fully aware of her intentions to fold many ECW stars into the anemic Cruiserweight Division.

“I have an idea to make all of you happy,” she says, gesturing to Estrada, Hardy and MVP. “Since Mister Estrada erroneously referred to you”—points at MVP and Hardy—“as a dysfunctional team—you, our tag team champions, no less—tonight you will face a tandem of ECW stars sure to comprise the most dysfunctional team in any contest this evening, when MVP and Matt Hardy square off in tag action against BALLS MAHONEY and THE MIZ!”

The crowd cheers, Estrada sneers, and MVP and Hardy appear pleased to have any ECW representatives in a match tonight.

“…and KELLY KELLY, of course,” Guerrero adds with a devious smirk.

MVP and Matt Hardy begin to trade jabs at which of them will better destroy their ECW opponents and score the win tonight.

• Commercial for PetSmart airs, ending with Michael Vick drawn and quartered. This, unsurprisingly, does not make Ellen DeGeneres cry.

• FINLAY makes his way to the ring.

“I’m not a man of fancy means, pretty looks or prettier words. As my introduction music states, emphatically, I LIKE TO FIGHT! So any ECW Extremist who wants a fight, drag your sorry arse out here and face me in a fight…EXTREME RULES!”

MATCH TWO: FINLAY defeats TOMMY DREAMER in an Extreme Rules Match

• In the ECW Welcoming Room, Vickie Guerrero continues to woo ECW superstars, including ELIJAH BURKE, whom she believes will be instrumental in revitalizing the Cruiserweight Division. If he feels like getting a taste of wrestling on the big stage, she offers, he may select any Smackdown superstar for a match tonight and can thusly show the world the future of wrestling, Elijah Burke.

JASON interrupts Guerrero, ecstatic. “I GOT IT!” He declares! “VICKIE, I GOT THE CALL! I KNOW HOW TO—”

“Jason, one moment,” Vickie says, her widening to inform Jason to keep the cat in the bag. “Elijah, think about it and let me know who you want to face and introduce yourself to the Smackdown audience with tonight, okay?”

Vickie escorts Jason into the hallway.

“I am sorry,” she says, with a gentle tone that belies the firm, disapproving grip her hand has on Jason’s elbow. “I wanted you to have my direct attention. What were you about to tell me?”

“I got the call,” Jason says, bouncing with excitement. “I know how to force Estrada to sign control of ECW over to you! By the end of tonight, ECW will be yours!”

• In a separate, secluded locker room, THE MIZ and BALLS MAHONEY prepare for their match.

“Here I am, back on Smackdown,” Miz tells Balls, “and I am not going to have you screw things up for me. This is my chance to shine again on the show I debuted with, a show with a bigger budget and bigger audience than ECW, okay? Tonight is my night to shine, Balls, and as much as I hate you, there is no way I will let my hatred for you supersede my chance to be in the spotlight on the big show once more. Tonight, The Miz is going to make an impact by defeating the WWE Tag Team Champions! And, Balls, to make sure this happens, that I get my due, if you can stay out of my way and make sure this victory happens, well, Balls, you get to have ONE KISS with Kelly Kelly!

Balls looks at Kelly Kelly, excitedly imagining their first kiss, and faints.

“Wow,” Miz says, looking at his fallen enemy and one-time-only tag partner, “you really can make Balls drop on a guy.”

• Commercial for Battlestar Galactica airs. It’s just a damn good show.

• MATCH THREE: WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION BATISTA defeats MARK HENRY. The announcers, throughout the contest, wonder who the champ’s next opponent will be at Cyber Sunday.

• In the back, REY MYSTERIO retrieves a bottle of water from a vending machine. He turns from the machine to find Elijah Burke standing before him.

“Just letting you know you gotta suit up tonight, coz Elijah Burke is gonna get famous by punking out former Cruiserweight and World Champion Rey Mysterio in record time, son.”

• Commercial for Jake Lloyd’s career. Have you seen it?

• JASON makes his way to the ring.

“Well, once again, I’ve done it. I, Jason, have figured out a way to destroy yet another multi-billion enterprise, just like I did with the XFL and those bastards at Alamo Car Rental. I know the key to destroying ECW and I couldn’t be happier. Though I cannot agree with her on this, instead of simply forcing Armananadoo Alajalapeno Eric Estrada to give up ECW, Vickie Guerrero has instructed me to make him an, in my opinion, overly fair cash offer and allow him to walk away with his dignity intact.”

Estrada makes his way to the ring for the second time tonight. Before he can engage in an obligatory verbal dance, Jason cuts him off.

“Estrada, let’s not do this. Let’s not have you threaten me, thinking you’re invincible until I drop the bomb you didn’t think anyone could ever find out, okay? I know, Estrada. I know about everything. I know… I know…” Jason leans in and whispers in Estrada’s ear. Crestfallen, Estrada looks as pale as death.

“Aren’t you glad we have this in the open, between you and me, now? Estrada, there is no way around the fact that this information will take ECW away from you. It will be homeless and ripe for Vickie to absorb. And that will happen. It is inevitable. What you can do, however, is save yourself the embarrassment of this information ever seeing the light of day, take her cash, and walk away.” Estrada looks angered. “Now, just calm down. It is the truth and there is nothing you can do about it. ECW will be taken away from you, and Vickie will absorb it. She’s publicly lobbied for the organization, soon to be without a figurehead, and she’s a woman with convincing means. Take the cash and go home.”

The emphasis of those final words sends Estrada over the edge. But Jason repeats, “There’s nothing you can do. The wheels are in motion.” Estrada’s face melts and he seems close to shaking Jason’s hand to seal the deal, when ECW CHAMPION CM PUNK dashes to the ring.

Punk pushes Jason away and addresses Estrada, questioning what could be so bad that he would selfishly gamble away ECW because of his own demons? He goes on to say that ECW has survived worse, it has cheated death on more than one occasion, and it will survive this. Punk commands Estrada that, no matter what Jason has on him, to let ECW fight for itself.

Jason, a master manipulator, takes Punk’s last declaration and runs with it.

“OH,” Jason says, “Well in that case, as Vickie Guerrero’s number one representative, allow me to accept your offer to allow ECW to fight for its survival. At Cyber Sunday, ECW is on the line when CM Punk defends ECW against Guerrero’s interests, in the physical form of me, Jason. If ECW’s representative wins, I will bury this blackmail on your General Manager. But when I win, when Vickie Guerrero’s representative wins, Estrada here has a decision to make: Reveal his secret and lose ECW, or simply hand over ECW and walk away without having to reveal what has put him and, indeed, all of ECW in this predicament. Good idea,” he tells Punk, disallowing Punk time to figure out how quickly played the situation to his advantage. “I’ll see you at Cyber Sunday, champ.”

Punk tries to back out, saying he did not intend this, but Estrada accepts the offer. Estrada says both Punk and Jason are right. This is the only way to keep ECW with a figurehead, and the only way it can survive, because with a GM to fight for their interests, Vickie will sweep ECW up since the company will have no one to fight for it, no one to renew their TV deal with Sci Fi, and no one to protect it from the big money of Smackdown.

Jason, overly pleased with his work, tries to blindside Punk, but eats a Go To Sleep for his effort.

• Commercial for Sri Lanka. No one ever thinks to vacation there. At least not for long.

• MATCH FOUR: KANE defeats MATT STRIKER by DQ, when BIG DADDY V interferes.

• In the ECW Welcoming Room, Estrada addresses his troops, where everyone is nervous about the way by which he wagered their livelihoods, because of a personal secret.

Estrada says the secret, if it came out, would seriously affect his life and leave them without a General Manager, and they would have no one to fight for their external affairs and would be vulnerable to a takeover from anyone. This way, they get to fight, and doing their fighting is their finest, their Champion, CM Punk. Jason’s cockiness and arrogance make him lazy, Estrada says, but Punk is fighting for something. Punk is fighting for E-C-W.

• Commercial for Pringles. Pringles, a damn fine chip.

• Chris Master’s face frames the screen in a close-up, as he reads aloud from Psychology For Dummies.

“See it says here,” Masters says, pointing to the book before his face. “Okay…” he continues, focusing on the book and scanning the page, looking for the relevant passage. “Aha! Okay! Here it is…blablabla, ‘A serial need to dominate and strike fear in another’s heart, most likely deriving from insecurity of one’s own acceptance of his or her physical features’….yadda yadda yadda….’picked on as a kid’….possibly molested by uncl…’ Anyways, well, never mind that, I’m sure it doesn’t apply here, BUT” he says, the camera pulling back to reveal his guest, “that still begs the questions, Boogeyman, why the need to ‘getcha?’”

Boogeyman looks perplexed, as if shown a hidden window into his soul.

“What’s a matter, Boog?” Masters asks, as Boogey’s lips begin to quiver. “Didn’t Boogeymomma love you enough as a boogeyboy?”

Boogey doubles over and sobs, as Masters increasing the intensity of his questioning. He readjusts his half-moon glasses and scoots to the edge of his seat, as though an overzealous mirror-salesman ready to show his client their image.

“Dig deep,” Masters says, moistening his lips. “Don’t be afraid, Boogey. I’m here for you. I’m here to listen.”

Boogey begins to mumble. “Grgha buurgoogagongala riversmoshsdut durtadurt,” he cries unintelligibly, shoveling fistfuls of worms into his mouth as he cries, revealing whatever it may be about his mother and upbringing. “Gheengathwup mumpohrewstch.”

“I see,” Masters says, chewing the end of his glasses. “Right….go on…I see,” he adds, nodding as though he understands his client. “And how did that make you feel?” He offers Boogey a napkin.

Boogeyman accepts the napkin and blows his nose. As he withdraws the napkin from his face, we see a worm hanging from his left nostril. “Well,” he sniffles, “I feel...I feel—” he says before swinging his clock and cracking it onto Masters’s head. “I feel like I’m the Boogeyman…from ECW!...and I GOTCHOO!”

• MATCH FIVE: ELIJAH BURKE takes a count out loss when he walks out on his match with REY MYSTERIO, when Mysterio countered much of Burke’s offense, frustrating the Extremist.

• In the back, Vickie Guerrero and AA Estrada trade barbs over the other’s respective, dysfunctional tag team in the main event. Estrada is convinced Balls determination to get a kiss from Kelly Kelly and Miz’s desire to beat two of Smackdown’s finest will give his team the win, while Guerrero is confident her champions, though not the best of friends, will come together to avenge their assault from No Mercy.

• Commercial for Lanny Poffo. Will no one hire this guy?

• MATCH SIX: ECW’s MIZ & BALLS MAHONEY defeat SMACKDOWN’s WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS MATT HARDY & MVP, when MVP gets distracted by Kelly Kelly, allowing Balls the opportunity to use—admittedly heelish move, but one that fits in with his Extreme nature—a chair on Matt Hardy, in order to provide The Miz an easy cover for the win.

After the match, Balls wants his kiss and closes his eyes, awaiting Kelly Kelly’s kiss, but all he tastes is the chair he used on Matt Hardy, as The Miz smashes his rival in the face with the steel instrument.

ECW episode 201

The One That Jason Gives Us A Few Reasons Why We Shouldn’t Watch ECW

• The show opens with EXTREME EXPOSE shaking their derrieres in the ring, but they are soon interrupted and chased from the ring by JASON.

“This is Extreme Championship Wrestling, ladies and gentleman; a few scantily women with no respect or discernable talent. How boring could this show be,” Jason says, his eyes wide with frustration. “ECW was once cutting edge, hardcore, and now this is such a bland, impotent, neutered, unentertaining show I would mistake it for One and A Half Men if the sight of Jon Cryer didn’t make me throw up more than the sight of Extreme Expose.

ECW had RVD, Terry Funk, Sabu, Mick Foley, and the list goes on. ECW had flaming table matches, broken glass matches, and a guy with a whistle—all of the hardcore things that made it so great, that made it so clearly superior the headache it has become. Just look, look to the screen and see the difference between ECW of old, and ECW of today. Roll it.”

A video airs comparing the ECW of old and new: Old footage shows innovative matches, compelling characters, people throwing chairs in the ring, blood, gore, two chicks kissing, people throwing chairs in the ring, Sandman, Rhino, Tanaka, Sabu, Raven, Dreamer, Beulah and Alfonso, and people throwing chairs in the ring. New footage shows Vince McMahon as ECW Champion, Extreme Expose, The Miz, Big Show, Ric Flair, DX, Vince McMahon as ECW Champion, a sleeping audience, Vince McMahon as ECW Champion, and old grainy footage of a doctor distributing a How To Cure Insomnia pamphlet with “Watch ECW” as cure #1.

“And so, to the insomniacs watching this tripe, I guarantee to you and to any past fan of the original ECW, I solemnly swear to kill this ugly beast and put it out of our misery. Within one month, ECW will be gone. Forever.”

BALLS MAHONEY makes his way to the ring, taking umbrage with Jason’s assessment of ECW current state.

“Whassa matta, Jason?” Mahoney asks, getting in Jason’s grill. “You don’t like ECW? You don’t like CM Punk, Tommy Dreamer? You don’t like Balls?”

“Oh, I do if they’re Salty!” Jason cracks, then looks into the camera, smiles, and offers a big Thumbs Up. “And yes, I do not like ECW in any way, shape, or form—except canceled and gone forever. Terry Funk, the legitimizing ECW Champion, would roll over in his grave if he could see the mess ECW is now.”—Balls winces, ready to correct Jason’s misstatement—“ECW is crappy. It’s boring! It’s stupid! It’s insulting! It’s as innovative as a rock, it’s about as extreme and as hardcore as is Zac Effron—”

“Terry Funk is not dead.”

“And it’s full of liars!” Jason says, disgusted that Balls would disparage the legacy of a deceased wrestling icon.

“AND,” Balls screams, “It’s full of referees!”

MATCH ONE: A referee, waiting ringside, rings the bell and begins an impromptu MATCH ONE, with JASON defeating BALLS MAHONEY.

• Commercial for…Joey Fatone hosts a TV show?

• Clips of the ECW Championship match at No Mercy and an announcement that tonight CM PUNK will team with TOMMY DREAMER to attack the duo that roughed the champ up at the PPV, BIG DADDY V and MATT STRIKER.

• MATCH TWO: ELIJAH BURKE defeats KEVIN THORN

• Clips of Jason and Vickie Guerrero’s conversation at No Mercy, as well as Estrada declaring war on Smackdown, and the Extremists assault on MVP & MATT HARDY.

• MATT HARDY & MVP are here tonight, and will challenge two Extremists to a tag match!

• Commercial for rugs. Why clean shit up when you can buy a rug?

• MATT HARDY & MVP come to the ring and challenge any two members of the contingent that attacked them at the PPV, EXTREME RULES.

MATCH THREE: WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS MATT HARDY & MVP defeat STEVIE RICHARDS & MIKE KNOX, only to suffer another beat down after the match by the other members of the PPV contingent, avenging ECW’s loss to Smackdown’s tag team champions.

• Jason offers ECW GENERAL MANAGER ARMANDO ESTRADA a chance to simply give control of ECW to Vickie Guerrero and walk away with his integrity intact, or Jason will take both ECW and everything Estrada cares for in his life away. He would not suggest trying his patience, Jason warns, saying there is a long list of broken bodies who didn’t take him serious when it was time to do so.

Estrada, unsurprisingly, turns down Jason’s offer, calling him “Vickie Guerrero’s jester.”

Jason steps toward Estrada. “There is a time for play, and there is a time for business.” Jason snorts. “Guess what time it is for us, you and I?”

“Get out of my office,” Estrada mugs, arrogantly dismissing Jason’s serious tone. “And tell Vickie Guerrero I wasn’t joking. ECW is going to bring war to Smackdown. Tell her I’ll see her on Friday.”

• Commercial for Mothra

• Recap of the CM PUNK/BIG DADDY V title match at No Mercy.

• MATCH FOUR: ECW CHAMPION & TOMMY DREAMER lose to BIG DADDY V & MATT STRIKER, when Striker capitalizes on injuries Dreamer sustained in V’s attacks.

Raw episode 201

The One Where Shawn Michaels Returns and No One Sees It Coming
(Recapped without documenting commercial breaks)

• A RAW-centric video review recap of last night’s No Mercy airs.

• VINCE MCMAHON comes to the ring and gloats—less about Randy Orton leaving No Mercy as WWE Champion, but more about HHH leaving No Mercy WITHOUT the WWE Championship. Vince decides the RAW locker-room will line up single-file and shake the new WWE Champion’s hand. This brings HHH to the ring who, like Orton at last night’s PPV, invokes his rematch clause. Vince is not keen on the idea, and, instead, signs HHH vs. Orton and Umaga tonight. And when the RAW superstars line up to shake Randy’s hand, HHH must be first in line. Oh, that Vince…what a dick. I mean, shaking his rival’s hand! SHAKING HIS RIVAL’S HAND! Why doesn’t he just feed him his Chihuahua or desecrate his father’s funeral service?!!

• MATCH ONE: MARIA, MICKIE JAMES & CANDICE MICHELLE defeat NEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION BETH PHOENIX, MELINA & JILLIAN HALL in a Six Woman Tag Team Match

• Hilarity ensues as RAW GM WILLIAM REGAL decorates his office with pictures of English Queens (Helen Mirren, Sir Elton John and George Michael). He has been tasked with keeping HORNSWAGGLE MCMAHON out of trouble, but he delegates this responsibility to THE COACH, who cannot locate the littlest McMahon.

• We will hear from the former WWE Champion, the injured John Cena live, via satellite, later tonight! Calm down, kids.

• MATCH TWO: SANTINO MARELLA weasels out of his match tonight with VAL VENIS, to further their mini-program another week, and subs in SNITSKY, who defeats the injured Venis.

• JOHN CENA, live, via satellite, has nothing new or interesting to say.

• MATCH THREE: HHH vs. UMAGA & NEW WWE CHAMPION RANDY ORTON ends in disqualification, when Umaga hits HHH with a chair. Umaga continues to punish HHH after the bell, injuring The King of King’s ribs once more.

• Referees help HHH to the back. Vince stops HHH to threaten him, nay, remind him that he must be first in line to shake Orton’s hand tonight, injury or no injury.

• MATCH FOUR: THE HIGHLANDERS defeat LONDON & KENDRICK

• SANTINO MARELLA comes to the stage and adapts Amy Winehouse’s REHAB into a ditty about The Condemned.

“THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME WATCH THE CONDEMNED BUT I SAID, NO, NO, NO!
STONE COLD HANG OUT IN BARS, I GIVE HIS MOVIE ZERO STARS!
THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME WATCH THE CONDEMNED BUT I SAID NO! NO! NO!”

• MATCH FIVE: INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION JEFF HARDY cleanly pins MR. KENNEDY

• New WWE Champion comes to the ring to await the RAW roster prostrate themselves before Orton and shake his hand. Absent is HHH, which causes Vince to send Orton to retrieve the injured HHH. He stopped on his way to the back by a returning HBK, who superkicks Orton to end the show.

No Mercy

• The pay-per-view begins with a custom-made video highlighting the specific incidents of rivalries that have manifested in matches signed for tonight’s event. Your announcers are the usual suspects, and we head to the ring where MR. MCMAHON stands, microphone in one hand and the WWE Championship belt in the other.

McMahon awards the championship, vacated as a result of former champion John Cena’s recent titty twister injury, to Cena’s would-be opponent for tonight’s show: RANDY ORTON.

Powering his way into yet another WWE Championship reign, HHH comes to the ring, insults both McMahon and Orton, and talks his way into an impromptu title match with the new WWE Champ.

• MATCH ONE: HHH defeats RANDY ORTON for the WWE Championship by using his patented, Arn Anderson-like spine-buster.

• In a backstage bathroom, SANTINO MARELLA sits on a toilet, grunting and screaming in pain. He eventually calms and wipes his brow. Santino pulls up his Italian flag boxer shorts, and ponders aloud why we, as humans, feel compelled to look at our own feces after a nice potty session. He stands, looks in the toilet and gasps.

“Look, Maria! You won’t believe this size, the sheer volume of this crap!” he calls to Maria, who he coerces into looking in the toilet. The camera follows her gaze to find multiple DVD copies of “The Condemned (Starring Stone Cold Steve Austin)” in the crapper.

“I told you, Maria, my dear,” Santana says, laughing, “That movie is nothing but a pile of crap!”

• Elsewhere, Smackdown General Manager VICKIE GUERRERO, reviewing nondescript paperwork in her office, is interrupted by ECW’s newest talent acquisition, JASON.

“Welcome, Jason,” Vickie says with a wide grin, offering him a Root Beer served in a chalice adorned with a picture of his face. “I’m so glad you decided to accept my invitation and meet with me.”

Jason, admiring the craftwork (read: his image) on the chalice, seems relieved. “I am relieved,” he says, pulling a twisty straw from his back pocket and plunking it in the chalice. “I am relieved to be in civilized company, cultured company, as opposed to those untalented freaks and wannabes over on ECW.”

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” Vickie says. “What if I could help you bring down ECW and free yourself?”

Trying to hide his excitement without success, Jason spews root beer from his nose and attempts to quickly reassert his confidence. “Go on,” he says, soda dripping from his nose.

Vickie says they share a goal, and that is the demise of ECW. She promises him funding for his crusade, and, when the job is complete, a Smackdown contract complete with a guarentee for a World Championship title match at a time and date of his choosing.

“I like what you’re saying, “Jason says, making hard slurping noises with his straw before detailing why he is happy with her proposal. “I can’t believe that I returned to the WWE under the ECW umbrella. It is terrible there! You have no idea the junk they pass off for entertainment! Dancing girls! Fat guys with punny names! A one-hour show! I, Jason, the brightest of all ECW stars, deserve a one-hour show to myself and shouldn’t be expected to share it with guys who have a job only because of their ‘dedication to the business.’ Please, Tommy Dreamer is so dumb he can’t do anything else but get beat up for a living. This is a dead brand, a shell of its former glorious, gritty, revolutionary self—and I hate it. I hate working there. I hate performing my flawless and entertaining craft on this talentless, neutered, juvenile brand!” He takes another sip of root beer, and raises his eyebrow when he catches sight of a bag of Snyder’s Pretzels. “I don’t just want off the ECW brand, I want it dead! I want to put it out of our misery. I watched the legacy of WCW be bastardized into a joke by our company, and, as a wrestling purist, I was not proud of my boss doing that. And now, it is happening again, and another brand has been so mangled it must be put to pasture so we, as the WWE family, can get back to focusing on ourselves and not these silly, side projects Mr. McMahon starts up. ‘Extreme Championship Wrestling’…More like Extremely Crappy and Boring and Lame and Insomnia-curing Wrestling, show—thing.“

“True,” Vickie says. “We all remember how you brought down the XFL, Jason.”

“Let’s not talk about that right now,” Jason says, shoveling pretzels into his mouth. “I still have trouble eating mustard after that night…” he continues, trailing off.

“Jason, let me be up front with you. I want ECW to fold into Smackdown,” Vickie confides. “I want the bulk of the ECW guys to revitalize Smackdown’s greatest asset, it’s cruiserweight division, and I want to trim the fat of those guys you mentioned…’Mr. Dangerous’s’ old beer buddies. We both get what we want. You kill ECW and keep the credit for doing so, and return to the big leagues with a guaranteed World Title shot, and I get a rejuvenated Cruiserweight division and another big name star—the biggest name star, in fact—in Jason!”

The two scheming stars agree to do business together, with Vickie providing Jason the resources he needs to kill Extreme Championship Wrestling.

• MATCH TWO: Smackdown’s REY MYSTERIO and FINLAY wrestle to an unsatisfying double-disqualification, setting up an inevitable return gimmick match for next month’s CYBER SUNDAY.

• Mister McMahon barges into HHH’s dressing room and tells him not to celebrate, because his scheduled match against Umaga is still on tonight, and it is now for the WWE Championship.

• “So this is how it’s going down?” ECW’s General Manager Armando Alejandro Estrada bellows, marching into Vickie Guerrero’s office. “You hire a mercenary within my own company to destroy ECW?! Why?! Because I refused trades between our brands with you when you took over for Teddy Long?! This is what you do?!”

Vickie calmly tells Estrada that him turning down her proposal was, in hindsight, a great decision, because she soon came to realize there was no need for her to give up a single one of her stars in trades with ECW when it would be so much easier, and rewarding, to simply absorb the entire show. “This is war,” she says, “and to this victor goes the spoils. I’m taking ECW all for myself.”

“Oh, its war, indeed,” Estrada sneers, “but it’ll be fought with EXTREME MEASURES! Just sit back, enjoy the show, and see how ECW brings war to your front door, Vickie Guerrero.”

• MATCH THREE: CM PUNK wins his ECW title defense against BIG DADDY V when MATT STRIKER, for no apparent reasons, interjects himself in the match and gets his man, V, disqualified.

• There is smooth scene transition, from a live feed of events in the ring to a monitor displaying the live feed. “This is the crap I am talking about!” Jason says, kicking the TV displaying the in-ring events over.

“Hey!” ECW GM Estrada yells, revealing the TV Jason kicked over was in his boss’s office. “You’re gonna pay for that TV and, Jason, I can’t begin to describe the ways in which you’re going to pay for what you’re doing with Vickie Guerrero! You are betraying ECW and every one of its fans! You are going to pay!”

“Oh, don’t even!” Jason screams back. “Me pay? Why don’t you pay me? Why don’t you pay me back and pay anyone else back the money we spent to watch this PPV and see another ECW crap-match like that! What was with that ending? It made no sense! This is a prime example what is wrong with this brand, why it’s so far removed from the classic world title matches of old ECW, and why it needs to die! I need to kill ECW and free us all!”

“Get out of my office right now before I—”

“Oh, I’ll get out of your office,” Jason interrupts, “but NOT because you told me to, but because I have somewhere else I need to be!”

Estrada looks at his unruly employee, dissecting Jason’s face with his discerning eyes. “No you don’t.”

Jason looks nervous.

“Where do you have to be?”

Jason looks around the room and rubs his hands anxiously. “Sure I do, I have somewhere to be. But I’m not telling you where.”

“GET OUT OF HERE!”

“Well, I won’t be running to ECW, that’s for sure!”

“GET! OUT!”

“Smell ya later, punk,” Jason says, closing the door with a smug look on his face that reads: “Gotcha! I totally dissed you!”

• Randy Orton seeks out Vince McMahon, but McMahon is unresponsive to Orton. He gives Orton a look of great disappointment and walks away with speaking a word. The camera pans to Chris Masters, donning a button-up sweater, half-moon glasses, and freshly parted hair, watching from the shadows. He lays his pointer finger on his bottom lip, considers what he just saw, before exclaiming “Aha!” and rushes off.

• MATCH FOUR: HHH, wrestling his second match of the night, pedigrees UMAGA to retain the WWE Championship.

• Randy Orton happens by CHRIS MASTERS, who is concentrating on the book in his hands, Psychology for Dummies. Masters sets the book down, tightens his sweater-jacket across his chest, and in a low, psychology 101 voice inquires about Orton’s depressed demeanor.

“What do you want, Masters?” Randy asks.

“Well, Randy, I was worried about you. What you are feeling is rejection and you shouldn’t be feeling that. You see, Mister McMahon was not shunning you, he was showing you something we in the mind field—“

“Psychology, you mean, not ‘mind—”

“—whatever. You experienced something we in the field call ‘Rough Love’—”

“—Tough Love—“

“Tough love, exactly, you see. He’s not angry with you, just disappointed in you, but he still cares for you—or, to be more exact,” Masters says, growing more confident with his voice, as though someone or something else, like intellect, was powering his voice, “to be more exact it’s not so much that Mister McMahon still cares for you, but it’s more that he wants you to hurt the person he really, truly doesn’t care for, this being HHH and you let Vince down by losing the WWE Title to the man Mister McMahon hates. Mister McMahon is challenging you to impress him. Be proactive, Randy. Vince’s reaction to you earlier in the back wasn’t about anger,” Masters says, laying his hand on Randy’s shoulder. “It was about love. Rough love.”

“Tough love,” Orton corrects, staring blankly into the void.

“Exactly,” Chris says, his eyes closed signifying sanctimonious self-pride. “Rough, Tough Love.”

Orton stares at Masters as though an alien were standing before him. “You’re…you’re right. Thank you, Chris,” he says, heading off in the direction of McMahon’s office.

Master’s, feeling intelligent and self-satisfied, picks up his Psychology for Dummies book, turns, and walks into a glass door, knocking himself out.

• THE GREAT KHALI, because he is, like, Indian or something, is meditating.

Elsewhere, WWE Champion HHH runs into World Champion Batista. The two men hug, trade baseball cards, and Batista repeats what HHH said to him at the previous PPV, that “it’s harder to keep the World Title than it is to win.” They say goodbye, but not before trading myspace addresses.

• MATCH FIVE: A terribly misguided, on the part of the show writer’s, PIZZA EATING CONTEST between MATT HARDY and MVP ends with a segment redeeming beat down, courtesy of a contingent of ECW superstars destroy the two Smackdown superstars.

ECW GM Estrada emerges on the entrance stage, telling Vickie Guerrero “this war just got Extreme!”

• Vince McMahon enters HHH’s dressing room. He tells the new WWE Champion that he is happy to see war spreading in his kingdom, and he is most interested to see how the battles are fought between ECW and Smackdown, but his own personal crusade is at the forefront of his own mind, and he can see the final battle to end his war with HHH: Randy Orton has demanded to exercise the rematch clause tonight, and Vince has decided to honor the request. To top it all off, the match will be fought as originally planned: The Raw Main Event to feature a Last Man Standing WWE Title match, now between HHH and Orton, tonight.

• MATCH SIX: BETH PHOENIX becomes the second new champion crowned at No Mercy, defeating CANDACE MICHELLE for the Women’s Championship.

• Khali ends his meditation, kicks down the door of his dressing room, and marches to the ring.

• MATCH SEVEN: BATISTA successfully defends the World Championship, defeating THE GREAT KHALI in a LETHAL LINCOLN LOGS DEATH MATCH.

• MATCH EIGHT: RANDY ORTON soundly defeats HHH, who wrestled his third match of the night, in a LAST MAN STANDING MATCH. Vince comes to the entrance stage to applaud Orton.

• Roll Credits!

• Coming up on…
- RAW: Will the war between HHH and McMahon/Orton continue? Tune in to find out what happens on the first night of the Orton Era, Part Deux!

- ECW & SMACKDOWN: War has ignited between the brands! How will Vickie Guerrero respond to MVP and MATT HARDY’s mugging at the hands of ECW Extremists? How will Jason attempt to destroy ECW? Will Chris Masters wakeup?